The Top 10 Tips for Spring Cleaning
 the Cobwebs of Your Communication Style

Did you know that the number one reason people have irreconcilable differences is poor communication? No, it's not really the in-laws, sex, children, or work. They are excuses for our conflicts and symptoms of poor communication. Yes, there are difficult people in the world, but more often, it is how we relate to each other concerning any situation that determines the quality of our personal and business relationships. Spring is a great time to renew, improve and begin nurturing our interactions. Spring cleaning our communication style speeds up the process toward healthier relationships.

1. Are you communicating in double messages? You say one thing and do another, insisting that what you are saying is the only message? Or, you say one thing and your body language is showing something different? Picture yourself saying 'I love you' with clenched jaws. Get the picture?
   
   Solution: Take the time to know what you want, then align your messages into single meanings. Keep in mind that actions speak louder than words, and so does body language. Notice how others will begin to really listen and want to meet you halfway.
    
2. Do you believe that 'silence is golden' in all situations? Do you have some situations, where the other person is ranting and raving, trying hard to evoke some response from you? If you're trying to intimidate or punish the poor soul, you're succeeding. But, if your intention is to have a full conversation, a win-win, you need to get in on the act.
   
   Solution: Express yourself in a letter, a memo, or by phone, if facing some people is difficult for you at this time.
    
3. Are you the 'nice' person type? You know, the type that considers 'no' a tongue twister? Don't feel bad, 'cause it took a lot of training to get you to be that way. Your primary motivation is to please. Don't worry, there's plenty of time for pleasing when you are in a good relationship. You know the one - you give and you get.
   
   Solution: Tell as many people as possible that all this week you are going to practice saying 'no' and you would appreciate their help.
    
4. Are you holding back 'cause you're afraid to be wrong? Or are you addicted to being right? Let's face it, you need to know your stuff at work, so this is no substitute for not doing your homework. However, most people can appreciate and like you more when you acknowledge that 'to err is human.' Then of course, you will do what it takes to correct the 'err.' In a personal relationship, vulnerability is a component of intimacy.
   
   Solution: Practice being wrong as often as you can this week, and express it to the world - well, maybe to just a few people you trust.
    
5. Do you often find yourself blaming others? Do you often get frustrated or angry in your communications? You may be accusing others for your unhappy situations, unable to see your role in them. It's not much fun letting go of so much control, that you feel you don't have the desired impact on your interactions.
   
   Solution: Dare to ask someone, 'how am I contributing to this situation in your opinion?' Take the opportunity and stop reacting. Take control by listening and responding.
    
6. Are you so verbose that most people complain that they can't get a word in edgewise? Do you tend to repeat your stories? Or do you catch yourself talking just for the sake of it, even when you don't have anything that important to share? Verbosity is distracting and draining to you and others. Don't hide behind these distractions. Your opinions matter. Just be selective and you will have more of an impact on your conversations.
   
   Solution: Begin to train yourself to listen more. Control your chatterbox by counting to three before deciding to speak.
    
7. Do you use a lot of criticism in your conversations? Or do you savor your criticism for one special person? Criticism is toxic to relationships. It is also a self-esteem buster.
   
   Solutions: Criticize the act, if you must, not the person. Criticize in absolute privacy. Don't pile up your criticisms. Handle only one at a time, then take a caring break. Sandwich your criticisms between praises - it goes down easier. Listen to and validate the other person's perspective. Remember, that there are three sides to a coin.
    
8. Are you a jovial clown or clownette in many of your relationships? Is sarcasm your consistent companion in your group interactions? Does anyone ever ask if you are capable of being serious for just one moment? A sense of humor is an asset and laughter heals relationships, as long as it is in balance in your interactions.
   
   Solution: For one week, notice the reactions of others, as you begin to cut down on your excessive funnies.
    
9. Are you a downer as you fill most of your conversations with gossiping, complaining or nagging? Don't take offense, you've probably been watching too much 'Seinfeld' (a TV show in the U.S. that has whining down to a New York science). Well, snap out of it. Easier said than done, you say. You're right.
   
   Solutions: Going cold turkey is not a good idea when changing habits. Start slowly, choose one habit at a time, and practice, practice, practice.
    
10. Okay, so I've exaggerated most of the points for effect. We all have communication flaws and we all have the ability to learn constructive communication styles. If you want to clean up your relationships, self assessment of your communication style(s) is a great way to begin.
    
    Solution: Believe me, it is much easier to change yourself than to struggle trying to do the impossible: to change others.

About the Submitter
This piece was originally submitted by Catherine G. Braun, MA, Relationship coach, counselor, consultant, who can be reached at ys2success@aol.com, or visited on the web.